Psychology Articles by Dr. Marshall Colt

Balancing Work and Family (Part I)     Balancing Work and Family (Part II)

Balancing Work and Family (Part III)      Balancing Work and Family (Part IV)  

It ain't over....     "Winter Blues" or Clinical Depression     When le music stops

Communicate expectations, Valentine!     Financial stress and loneliness

Ten Parenting Principles     Trauma and the toothpaste cap

Family rivalry and emotional immaturity     Discipline and emotional intelligence

"Winter Blues" or Clinical Depression?

As colorful lights come down and fun-filled festivities end, the remainder of winter stares us in the face.  It's a time when many people feel low or down.

Normally, people experience a wide range of moods.  However, we generally feel in control of them.  Understanding that such feelings are temporary, most people are not distressed by them.  Blue periods are natural.

In fact, the "winter blues" may be more prevalent, regardless of age or gender, than previously thought according to a recent study.  Participants reported more depression, anxiety, hostility, anger and irritability in winter than any other season.  Even those not clinically depressed or suffering Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can experience seasonal depression and other negative feelings.  Transitory low periods are not serious; prolonged periods of feeling distressed are.

Various disappointments and a calendar bereft of things to look forward to, compounded by bleak weather, can precipitate the blues.  Certain life events like serious illness, job loss, death of a loved one, divorce, major financial reversal and the like negatively impact our lives.  It's natural to grieve when such incidents occur.  Normally, the associated feelings of sadness and loss decrease over time.  Most of us move through these periods and on to better feelings.  When feelings of sadness and loss don't go away, it's possible depression has set in.

Depression manifests itself in many ways.  Sometimes the ways are outwardly obvious, sometimes hidden.  The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) estimates 17 million American adults (some 10% of us) suffer from depression in any given year.

Many possible triggers can precipitate depression: relationship difficulties, memories of happier times, unfulfilled (sometimes unrealistic or lofty) expectations, loss of a loving relationship (may be the first holidays without them), anniversary of a happy or sad event, medical problems (one's own or another's), even weight gain.

Depression occurs when a person's feelings of despair, hopelessness and sadness extend for two weeks or more.  When such feelings begin to impact work, sleeping, eating, socializing or physical well-being, it's time to get professional help.  Unfortunately, those with depression tend to isolate themselves from the outside world and do exactly the opposite of what would be best for them.  That's when family and friends can step in to assist the depressed person.

Depression falls into the broad class of mental health difficulties called mood disorders.  They include Major Depressive Disorder, Dysthymic Disorder [Dysthymia can be defined as despondency in mood], Bipolar Disorder [Bipolar Disorder was formerly called Manic-Depressive Disorder], Cyclothymic Disorder [Cyclothymia is a tendency toward alternating periods of elation and depression] and Substance-Induced Mood Disorder.  A mood disorder can also be the result of certain medications or a general medical condition, although sometimes depression can mask another serious illness such as thyroid disease.

Since depression impairs interpersonal, social and occupational functioning, it can be particularly hard on relationships.  People with mood disorders, such as depression, have a very high rate of divorce.  Because patients with depressed mood have a loss of energy and interest, feelings of guilt, difficulty concentrating, loss of appetite and thoughts of suicide or death, being with them can be difficult.  That's why the relationships a depressed person has are so important.  People who truly care about the depressed will help them find relief.

What's a person to do?

To find help for yourself or someone else, it's important to know the signs of depression.  They often include: feelings of "emptiness" or hopelessness, undue feelings of guilt or helplessness, trouble sleeping (early morning waking or oversleeping) and significant weight loss or gain.  Additionally, the depressed may have decreased energy and fatigue, thoughts of death or suicide, loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, difficulty concentrating and persistent medical problems or pain that does not go away.

If you or a person you care about has several of the above symptoms, it's best to talk with someone who can professionally evaluate what's going on.  Depression is not due to personal weakness nor a condition that will correct itself.  Without treatment, it could last for weeks, months or years.

In the meantime, it can be beneficial to take scenic walks, look up into the sunlight, appreciate nature, volunteer to help others.  Also try to exercise, eat properly, and minimize caffeine and other foods that interfere with restful sleep.  Avoid alcohol (a depressant) and non-prescribed drugs.  They may provide a temporary "high," but actually exacerbate depression.

While a combination of medication and psychotherapy can work well (particularly in the elderly), a recent study found cognitive-behavioral therapy as effective as antidepressants in treating the severely depressed.  An estimated 4 out of 5 people with depression improve with the appropriate form of treatment.

The winter can be happy time if we remain aware of our needs and seek appropriate assistance when it's warranted.  Sometimes a family member or friend can accompany the person to see they get properly evaluated for the difficulties they're experiencing.  After all, it's that caring that makes good relationships great.

This month romantic hopes and expectations peak, for Valentine's Day is upon us.  Singles hope to find, or expect to solidify, that special relationship with Mr./Ms. Right.  Couples expect to enhance their union through gifts and expressions of affection.  Many times it works out, many times not.  Often the difference is whether or not our hopes and expectations are met.

Unmet expectations and false assumptions are frequently responsible for so many of the difficulties singles and couples face.  Successfully managing one's expectations is an important life skill.  It can mean the difference between happiness and disappointment.  In early February, it can make the difference between a happy or disappointing Valentine's Day.

While romantic surprises add spice to a relationship, expecting them or their measure can often result in disappointment.  One way attached singles and couples can mitigate the possibility of disappointment is to plan something together.  Talk about Valentine's Day and what you'd both like to do to celebrate it...or not.  Getting "on the same page" early is an easy way to make the day/evening an enjoyable one for both of you.  In other words, communicate!

As the saying goes, when we assume, it makes an ass out of u and me.  The lesson: never assume.  Always confirm with the other party what the understandings are.  The more definitive you are about what is understood, the less chance for error and disappointment.

We're not all in romantic relationships all the time

For unattached singles, communicate your romantic hopes to a trusted confidant.  By doing so, you'll have a sounding board off of which to bounce your feelings.  A good friend will help you calibrate your hopes and expectations within a reasonable range.

And remember, not being in a romantic relationship right now is not the end of the world.  Try not to buy into the Valentine's Day hoopla.  Everyone else is not happy.  They are not all gorgeous and having a wonderful time; and you're certainly not the only person out there who's not in a relationship at the moment.

Take the long view.  Pressing to make a relationship happen will likely only scare off a potential partner.  Desperation is not attractive.  Try to relax and enjoy your "singleness."  You may long for it again some day.

For those recently going through a breakup, divorce or death, Valentine's Day can be particularly challenging.

Stay away from you "critics," family and friends who seem to enjoy meddling in your life.  Here are some tips:

· Stay away from your "critics," family and friends who seem to enjoy meddling in your life.

· Remember it wasn't great all the time…there were bad times, too.

· Be kind to yourself.  Eat right, exercise, take it easy, concentrate on managing your stress.

· There are other types of wonderful relationships that aren't romantic.  Embrace them.

If you don't communicate, how can you expect to get what you want?

There's an old movie entitled, "Just Tell Me What You Want!"  It's story revolves around the frustration a man feels for wanting to please his lady, but not knowing how to do so because he cannot decipher her desires.  She's not expressing them.  It's something of a one-joke film because the remedy is simple and easy: communication.  So too in most other relationship difficulties.

Aristotle held that the prime goal of communication is persuasion.  We communicate to influence, to affect with intent.  Do yourself and your partner a favor by communicating your affections and intentions more.  Inspire romance.  Silence is not always golden.

Finally, Valentine's Day is a day for giving your love to another.  Concentrate less on your expectation and more on enjoying the thrill of communicating how you care for someone else.  The opportunity may not always be there.

Financial stress and loneliness

Dear Dr. Colt:  Like many in Country Club, we've enjoyed the recent prosperous years, buying things we never dreamed we could.  The problem is my husband's reaction to the economic downturn.  Before, he was merely stressed trying to capitalize on the robust business climate, his mind always on being as successful as our friends.  We began drifting apart, but now it's much worse.  We rarely make love and he's become hypercritical of me, treating me like a child, often exploding about nothing.  I feel our love evaporating.  What can I do?

Dear Country Club:  Assuming no other issues (though there often are), "the problem" has at least three facets requiring immediate attention:

1) Balance.  Your current priorities are not serving you well.  What's more important to you and your husband: "buying things" or an intimate, close relationship?  "Keeping up with the Jones's" can burn out a family.  Success and hard work are admirable, but modern day idolatry in craving the latest Lexus over domestic tranquility is toxic.

2) Teamwork. A strong, equitable partnership in marriage is essential to present and future success.  Facing bad times as a team, as well as enjoying the good, is fundamental.  Discuss together what your family's goals are, including those personal and financial.  Create a mutually-devised plan that fairly balances each person's needs and desires.

3) Stress.  Even being "merely stressed" takes an insidious toll.  Stress can be a risk factor for early heart disease and immune system suppression.  It increases adrenal glands activation and cortisol secretion, decreasing memory and learning skills.  Exercise and other stress reduction tools you can learn help protect against it.

*

Dear Dr. Colt:  I'm an elderly woman living alone.  My children live all over and sometimes come by to visit.  But they don't seem to care much about me.  Sometimes they call, but not often enough.  I miss them and feel I'm not important to them.  I get to crying so much, but I don't want to be bothersome.  How can I make them pay more attention to me? --Lonely in Hilltop

Dear Lonely:  You can't make anybody do anything willingly for long, even in caring family relationships.  Many people schedule themselves so tightly they can't do all they'd like, including visiting parents.  Discuss how you feel with your children, arranging mutually agreed visit times and calls that both meet your needs and fit their calendars.

Also, I doubt they'd find it bothersome if you phoned occasionally, asked how they are and updated how you're doing.

Lastly, elderly depression is more prevalent than realized.  Please check with a mental health professional to make sure you're not also unnecessarily suffering this debilitating problem affecting 17 million Americans yearly.

  Ten Parenting Principles

Years ago, running a men's domestic violence group, I used a list by Robert Fulghum to help the court-ordered group better understand their role as parents.  In my work since with children and parents of both genders, it's proven even more salient:

1. Children are not pets.  They are little people.  They have rights; and should have responsibilities commensurate with their age and maturity.  Some parents treat their children as possessions; or think their kids owe them something, when actually it's the other way around.
   
2. The life they actually live and the life you perceive them to be living is not the same life.  Because your brain is more developed does not mean kids don't have their own, unique, evolving perceptions of the world.  Honor them.
   
3. Don't take what your children do too personally.  This is the most common reason parents get angry with their children.  Rather than being reactive--even when they appear to be directing something AT you--strive to discern what they're trying to communicate to you.
   
4. Don't keep scorecards on them - a short memory is useful.  Unless you've never made mistakes, forgive them theirs.
   
5. Dirt and mess are a breeding ground for well-being.  What's really more important: a room neat as a pin or your kid exploring the world with unbridled curiosity?
   
6. Stay out of their rooms after puberty.  This one is tricky since violence, drugs and other risk-taking behaviors are part of many kids' lives these days.  Since children don't always tell us what we need to hear, it's important to be vigilant.  Respecting their developing sense of and right to privacy is also important.  Be tactful.
   
7. Stay out of their friendships and love-life unless invited in.  The social choices they make largely result from what you've modeled and taught them.  When its time for them to choose, let them do so, providing guidance when asked...but keep your radar on.
   
8. Don't worry that they never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.  This is my favorite of Fulghum's ten.  "Do as I say, not as I do" is specious and hypocritical.  You must be the adult you want your children to become.
   
9. Learn from them; they have much to teach you.  At times their wisdom will amaze you.  Revel in it.  "From the mouths of babes...."
   
10. Love them long; let them go early.  That day your children leave to fly on their own will be difficult.  Subjugate your sadness and do what is best for them.

Finally, a footnote.  You will never know what kind of parent you were or if you did it right or wrong.  Never.  And you will worry about this and them as long as you live.  But when your children have children and you watch them do what they do, you will have part of an answer.

Trauma and the toothpaste cap

Many relationships are negatively affected by the past experiences of one or both parties.  Most people understand that our pasts influence how we think and behave today.  However, the negative effects of our experiences are often subtle, subconscious and covertly self-managed.  Thus, their magnitude is not widely understood or appreciated.

We learn lessons from our experiences, good and bad.  Our negative experiences can range from the traumatic to the merely unpleasant.  Trauma is an especially effective teacher.  It can teach us to fear flying.  It can teach us to fear intimacy.  However, applying "lessons learned" from the past may be inappropriate to current circumstances.

An example is the hypervigilance of a trauma survivor to the environment.  helicopter sounds can startle a Vietnam veteran, when there is nothing to currently fear.  Sexual abuse survivors can mistrust their present lover, when there is nothing to currently fear.

Our experiences, including those negative, lie on a continuum.  While some experiences may not be traumatic in the common definition, they nevertheless can have sub-clinical consequences that adversely affect us and our relationships.  The negative lessons learned may "only" be the result of a berating parent or an unfaithful lover.

Many of us learn to park away our bad feelings from the past in order to function.  Understandably, the majority of folks who've survived past difficulties do not want to think of, much less talk about, their painful experiences.  Such compartmentalization can be an effective short-term coping strategy...emphasis on short-term.  For our significantly negative experiences usually return to haunt us in subliminal and insidious ways, often causing damage to our relationships.  The lessons and messages linger.

Think back on the notable experiences in your life.  What messages did you receive from parents, peers, teachers and others significant?  Were they true, accurate and supportive?  Or untrue, inaccurate and injurious (by intent or accident)?  Were they meant to help or a reflection of that person's own "stuff?"

What beliefs do you have now about yourself your relationships and the world, resulting from messages you received in your past?  Are they marked by fearfulness, mistrust, doubts, insecurities, anger, problems with intimacy, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, second guessing oneself, fear of making mistakes (which cripples initiative), difficulty in relationships (not know how to disagree, communicate displeasure, etc.)?

*

Often people in relationships find themselves arguing and fighting over little things.  "You didn't put he cap back on the toothpaste... again!"  They know the complaints are trivial, but somehow they can't stop themselves from making them into a federal case.

Arguments over trivial matters are symptomatic of more serious issues, often rooted in the past.  Such arguments are almost never about what the complaint appears to be.  Rather, deeper issues of trust, respect, fear of loss, etc. are at the root of seemingly trivial matters.

It's important to pay attention to the process of such arguments, not the content.  Ask yourself what's really going on?  What is the real issue precipitating the complaint?  Then muster your courage and tackle that issue head-on.

Dear Dr. Colt:  I have been married for two months now and already on the brink of divorce.  My mother is very manipulative and controlling.  She has been emotionally abusive toward me my entire life.  I have a 17 year-old stepson.  My husband's concerned his son will lose another mother figure.  My family believes in a very tight, close-knit family.  I am so torn that I don't want anything to do with them.  But every time I get on the phone with them I let them make me upset and feel guilty and then I end up crying and the whole house is in an emotional uproar.  My husband is afraid he is going to be labeled the bad guy because he is trying to get me to stand up to them.  I love him and our son very much.  He has tried to reverse all of the emotional damage my mom has created.  I would do anything to keep this family together.  I have lost other relationships because of my family.  How do I hold on to this one?  How do I prove to him that he is not alone? -- Congress Park

Dear Congress Park:  It seems the transition from considering your family-of-origin as your family to thinking of your husband and your stepson as your family is difficult for you and your mother.  You are not powerless or without choices.  Keep in mind you are choosing to "let them make [you] upset and feel guilty."
  I suggest you meet with your mother (and others) to have your say and say it.  That will take courage.  Do you have it?  Then, unless you enjoy being victimized, distance yourself from your mother when she becomes controlling and manipulative.  If your family-of-origin continues to negatively impact your marriage, it may be necessary to choose between the two.

Dear Dr. Colt:  My fiancé is out of control.  He runs a struggling business and brings it home with him, throwing temper tantrums and taking it out on me.  I'm sick of his whining how everyone at work is to blame, and me being blamed for everything else that goes wrong.  He's always been spoiled, but now I'm supposed to forgive his pathetic, high drama hissy fits because he's "under stress."  It's all about him.  What can I do? -- Jackie

Dear Jackie:  Under stress, we can feel powerless.  Getting angry mitigates that feeling, infusing us with the illusion of being in control again.
  Learning effective stress-reduction and coping techniques will not only benefit your fiancé and you, but can be used the rest of your lives to live happier and healthier.  However, a more serious issue seems to surface when your fiancé is under stress.
  Many adults are what we call "Blamers."  They have not grown up; too often behaving like adolescents or younger.  They are in misery.  Misery likes company.
  Easily wounded, blamers fear and cannot tolerate the anxiety of admitting their responsibility for situations resulting from their own errors and omissions.  Their defense is to upbraid others, often in a torrent of accusations.
  Blamers overestimate themselves and denigrate others, characteristically bending the truth or dispensing with it altogether.  Like your fiancé, they are--out of fear--practiced in shifting responsibility, usually by bullying.  "And, by God, now it's your duty to help me!"
  Blamers can learn to behave differently.  However, many don't have the insight and courage to do so.  If your fiancé lacks the emotional intelligence to recognize and accept responsibility for his behavior, not much will change.  You may want to hit the road, Jack-ie.

Discipline and emotional intelligence

Dear Dr. Colt:  No matter what we do, we cannot get our daughter to keep her room picked up and straight.  We've tried time-outs, loss of privileges and threats of worse.  If we can't manage something like this, how are we going to manage her more serious misbehaving? -- Millie

Dear Millie:  You do not give your daughter's age, so I can't give you an age-appropriate answer.  Where she is on her developmental path should significantly determine how you act.  That said, are you both modeling the behavior you want her to emulate?  Are your areas of the house straight?  You might also try joining in with her to help get her room cleaned up.  Sometimes, cleaning a room can be overwhelming and too discouraging for children (and adults, as well!).
  Three other generic precepts come to mind.  One, discipline is the negative feedback side of the parental guidance we give our children.  With skill and patience, you can work on maximizing the encouraging positive side and minimizing the negative.
  Two, pick your battles.  Remember the boy who cried, "Wolf!"  The same principle applies when disciplining your children.  There's a quantitative difference between not doing some assigned chore and, say, throwing things at others.
  And three, at times of unsafe or abusive behavior, don't make the punishment fit the crime.  Actions speak louder than words.  Actions get attention.  If you want your child to never break a rule again...running into the street for instance, make the punishment severe and long-lasting...a week or more without play dates, for example.  This does not include spanking or hitting, of course.

Dear Dr. Colt:  My teenager is having problems.  He just does dumb things.  He's a good boy and we love him dearly, but often we just can't understand why he does the stupid things he does.  Is he lacking in what I've heard called emotional intelligence?  He does well in school, but at times I just want to kill him. -- Washington Park

Dear Wash Park:  Well, please don't kill him...unless you think you'll look good on a wanted poster.  Many adolescents (including girls) have difficulty with impulsivity, clear reasoning and good judgment.  The bad news is it's because their brains haven't completely matured, particularly in the pre-frontal lobe, which governs "executive functioning"...making smart decisions.  The good news is it gets better over time.
  Emotional intelligence is a relatively new construct that complements the well-known notion of cognitive intelligence (commonly measured as IQ).  Emotional intelligence makes sense as largely determining how people interact with themselves, others and what their potential for success is, beyond what their level of cognitive intelligence may be.
  Broadly speaking, emotional intelligence addresses the fifteen emotional, personal, social and coping dimensions of intelligence, which are often more important for daily functioning than the more cognitive aspects of intelligence.  It is tactical (immediate functioning), while cognitive intelligence is strategic (long-term).  More good news: your emotional quotient (EQ) is not permanently fixed, but is open to lifelong improvement.
  Qualified clinicians administer EQ-i tests to children, adolescents and adults, then score and interpret them to highlight strengths and identify areas that may need improvement.  Such testing may assist your adolescent, if you haven't already done him in.  Please consult our web site for more detailed information on emotional intelligence.